I think any educated and sensitive massage therapist will tell you that you tend to meet people who are more authentic in expressing themselves than you might find in an office. Even the same person is more authentic and gentle in a safe-to-touch massage environment. The minimal clothing, the soothing sounds of the fountain, the scent of lavender, orange, sandalwood or other essential oils, and music that doesn’t destroy your soul, just seem to do that. Everyone needs secure contact to feel comfortable and free to be themselves without judgment.

From my own experience, we live in a tactless culture. Touch someone in the workplace, even as an encouraging “good for you” pat on the back, and you could find yourself judged as some kind of office pervert. Rub his back in a comforting gesture or hold a hand to say “I care how you feel”, and well, you go to jail!! Touch in our culture is suspicious and often threatening. I am not encouraging anyone to accept the touch of anyone they know as well meaning or harmless. But for the most part, the baby came out with the bathwater as usual.

I used to lay hands on people as a shepherd in compliance and in the hope that James 5:14-16 would produce the desired and promised results. “Is any of you sick? You must call the elders of the church to pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will heal the sick; the Lord will rise again If he has sinned, it will be forgiven him. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effectual.

I’ve done this thousands of times and respectfully note that it’s not a cure for anything significant, from my perspective. However, I am sure that at times and because of the reaction of some, the touch itself was deeply appreciated and meaningful. A church or pastor that relies ONLY on this because “it’s in the Bible, God said it, I believe it, it does it for me” is foolish and delayed help that a genuinely sick person might need to receive from professionals. I’ve seen it in my past race and it’s hard to talk about it, even though I didn’t have the perspective of just anointing.

The kind, purposeful and polite touch seems to free a person from the masks we all wear. They all wear masks. It’s how we survive dealing with issues that we can’t talk about or that we won’t receive understanding for even thinking about. In massage, people become more openly genuine and some want to talk, sometimes, about what they are really thinking. Some may want to vent about the office environment, the company, or the boss, but when they do share, most just talk about touch and why humans are so afraid of their own thoughts and needs.

“Needs”, now there’s a word for you. Our Christian culture has almost outgrown the idea that what one needs counts for those in need. Sermon after sermon over the decades has made that the same as being selfish and carnal or unconverted and “of the world.” Just say “I need” a pastor and often your own rebukes will spring up and you’ll be lectured about how the Bible tells us this or that, mostly along the lines of “do nothing out of dissension or vainglory, but in humility of mind each counting the others better than himself;” Phil. 2:3 (ASV) I’ve always wondered if we should consider everyone else better than ourselves and all that implies about our own worth, what are others supposed to do?

Everyone needs to be touched for sure. A client, a long time ago, was very quiet while working on them and suddenly said, “Don’t you think it’s funny that my dad never hugged me?” We talked about it a bit, but I knew that I, a stranger, touching him triggered that thought in contrast to his father, who knew him well, never hugged him. After a few minutes, he said, “I don’t think he’s gay.” That was also a no-brainer. That’s how it worked in his mind. “I like this touch.” “Dad never hugged me.” “Ow, I like this and this is a boy!” “I better tell him I don’t think he’s gay so he doesn’t think I am.” Interesting huh? For him, touch was necessary but had connotations that weren’t really there, but needed to be referenced. I’m not gay either by the way.

One of the things that people need to practice more is the phrase “I need.” It is not selfish or rude. It’s human and it’s what makes relationships work on a more real and authentic level. How many relationships would be better or even saved if we learned to say: “I need you not to talk to me like that.” “I need you to be around more often.” “I need you to touch me in a way that you care for ME.” “I need you to listen to what I think for a change.” “I need you to give me some space.” “I need variety in my life.” “I need you to take better care of yourself.” “I need you to leave the people you don’t like, the crazy relatives, the stupid boss, and the fucking church out of our conversations.” “I need…” Try it sometime and you will see that others also need the same. They just didn’t know you knew anything about needs.

Others talk about what they don’t need in terms of touch in their lives. No need to grab or push them. They don’t need to be slapped or crudely pinched. They don’t need to feel used and unloved. I guess this is another whole topic.

The mask that covers sexuality issues is important to ALL people. All massage is sensual even when it is therapeutic, since touch is so by nature. In a safe and compassionate environment, many think about the place of sex or not in their lives. Human sexuality and the need to express and experience it never goes away. I always laugh at how the Bible tells us that when Moses died at 110 (maybe yes, maybe not), and that “Moses was one hundred and ten years old when he died, that his eye was not clouded, nor was his natural strength decreased;…” This is a coded way of saying that he figured it all out and could still get emotional. How they knew this, I’m not sure. I guess he bragged about it. But it is an old way of saying that the man was not dead and that he really was alive until he died. Many people I know feel dead because they have no sexual contact or expression in their lives.

While many fundamentally religious types will deny this aspect of human need as merely selfish and carnal, it is very normal and very necessary for a healthy life. The most extreme sexual religious ignorance I’ve heard to date is from someone who always prayed to God that they wouldn’t experience, let’s say, relentless force, and have to have sex with a partner just for the sake of it. Argh… no further comment. I would say that the partner is looking elsewhere in some way.

On the other hand, those who, while very religious and faithful to their church, listen politely to those in authority and represent “God’s opinion” on these issues every week, are quite capable of saying that they don’t care what happens. what the minister says and his sexuality really isn’t the church’s business, which it isn’t. I find so many devout believers who fight what they are taught or in many cases not taught by a church. Much of what has to do with human sexuality in the Bible is incorrect and harmful to humans. He’s archaic, Middle Eastern in perspective, and he controls them very well, although perhaps that’s his intention. It also promotes a lot of anxiety and depression, which are functions of shame, guilt, fear, and unexpressed anger. I have yet to meet an anxious or depressed client who is not afraid or angry about something he feels he has no right to express or is too risky. Think about it.

I love my gay clients. There are probably no more honest, open and compassionate types of human beings. They have a nature that lends itself to that and many times the experience to reinforce the benefit of that way of being and thinking. They have also dealt with a lot of rejection and have had to face authenticity issues that, again, most never openly face. No one I know is gay by choice but by nature. No one is trying to be non-gay, nor should they. Everyone is a genuine human being who knows more about themselves than most dare to explore. I think about the one where he was “discovered” by a friend at church and given a videotape to see how not to be gay. If they couldn’t change and weren’t convinced by the video, then they weren’t welcome in the church. Needless to say, the video just didn’t work. I once asked a lesbian customer why she came to me when I was, well…a man! She knew the history of the abuse and wondered. She said the best thing I’ve ever been told. “Because I love what you do, I feel safe, and you are the only man who will ever touch me again.” Wow… but she wouldn’t let me use that in my advertising.

Everyone needs a secure contact. Touch tends to send its message subtly but loud and clear. A client knows if I am not present for the massage by the way the touch feels. One client said he would tell me later in the session if he wanted to go for 90 minutes instead of just an hour. From my perspective, I would like to know now how it determines what and how I do the massage, but I just said it’s okay. I put my hands on him and gave him a half pass on the back when he said to me: “let’s do 90”. He said that when I touched him, he knew that I wanted to last longer. Nice compliment. It was the touch.

Sometimes there can be a person who is so stressed and so angry, that they just feel that way without saying it. It’s more feeling than feeling. I can sense bad intent and that makes for a very long hour. Sometimes you just can’t put your “finger” on it, but you know that all is not well. That’s how touch works too. Only the energy that people emit can inform you long before they get close enough to touch you. That’s why we can feel good or bad when some people walk into the room. Even without touching us, they are reaching us.

So think about how you touch yourself and why. Sadly, the mantra for many is “don’t touch me”, and that should be respected as well. I think a lot of obesity is a subconscious “stay away from me” message. Research tells us that 80% of all obese women have experienced sexual abuse. Sounds high to me, but it could be close. Even without touching or petting, as the term is used, RATS die sooner and do not survive surgeries as well as those that are often appeased or touched. How much more our partners, family members, children and even ourselves. Even watch others calm down and touch themselves to see that even unconsciously our brains tell our hands to comfort us in times of need.

So… have you appeased anyone today? Or if you need it, you allow it. of those whose intentions are right, without drama or accusation. I always tell my clients, “more touch grenades and less rocket propelled is what I always say.” They laugh and always say: “Isn’t that the truth?” Yes it is.