While the words “guilt” and “shame” are often used interchangeably when describing our response to a transgression, psychologists define them differently. Guilt and shame are what are called “self-conscious emotions”… although, as we will see later, they are not always as fully conscious in their manifestations as we might think.

Pity

In the experience of shame, the transgression is felt to emanate from a defective or bad self. Since it is often difficult to change one’s global self…one’s entire personality and way of being in the world…feelings of shame characteristically cause people to try to hide or escape the situation rather than try to apologize or make a refund.

• The classic physical reaction to feeling embarrassed is to bow your head, lower your eyes, and want to melt into the ground.

Guilt is often more healthy and adaptive.

In guilt the focus is on the act rather than the actor. Something bad or hurtful was done, but the actor wasn’t necessarily a bad person.

After experiencing guilt, people often report that they want to apologize, confess, or fix the situation.

• Feelings of guilt can lead a transgressor to approach the injured or offended party and try to repair the consequences of his action.

• Steps can be taken to avoid similar problems in the future.

When the focus is on the behavior as the root of the problem, one can learn from the experience and work to repair the damage. The ability to feel guilty can be healthy and adaptive, especially if feelings of guilt motivate behaviors like apologizing. But when a person feels pervasive guilt too often (eg, guilt without a triggering event), it can actually be quite maladaptive…as in the case of moral masochism.

Moral masochism: desperately maintaining a relationship

Moral masochism is an unconscious psychological defense that works by twisting the meaning of unpleasant experiences so that they can be seen as beneficial.

• A classic example is the idea of ​​”being punished for one’s own good.”

The human need to feel in control

You may be wondering why someone’s unconscious would lead them to create such unpleasant and interpersonal situations. The reason is usually that it feels better than the alternative.

• If you are a child who is physically or emotionally dependent on a parent who frequently punishes or puts you down, you may need to mentally “justify” this punishment as being done “out of love” to maintain the illusion of a loving relationship. , father sure.

• When the punishment is interpreted by the child or adult as a proof of love (“I’m only doing this for your own good”), and when genuine acts of tenderness and care are infrequent, the child may begin to unconsciously tease or seek situations in which they are criticized or punished… replacing it with a loving interaction.

• If this “negative” attention seeking behavior is not recognized and addressed, it can continue into adult life and wreak havoc in adult relationships.

Every human being is subject to “narcissistic defeats”… situations in which their self-esteem takes a painful blow.

• The typical defense of the moral masochist is to “sweeten” his disappointment by proposing that “no one frustrated me against my wishes, I frustrated myself.”

This creates a comforting illusion that the situation is actually in his check. “If I behaved perfectly, my parents or my partner would have no reason to attack me.” People who have had painful experiences of wanton and unwarranted criticism or punishment by abusive parents or partners that they were unable to prevent or fight back may unconsciously decide that drawing criticism and punishment from others by provoking it puts them in the driver’s seat.

• This attitude may develop with the unconscious goal of maintaining good feelings toward the abuser when the relationship is abusive but important.

The psychological maneuvers of Moral Masochism

Through his own behavior or by abusing or misinterpreting an available external situation, the moral masochist manages to cause those around him to disappoint, reject, or humiliate him.

• Because it allows the masochist to continue to feel in control of their destiny, this dynamic unconsciously provides satisfaction and empowerment.

Pseudo-aggression and righteous outrage

The moral masochist usually does not recognize his own provocative contribution to the situation and reacts with righteous indignation and apparent self-defense to attacks and mistreatment that he perceives as originating entirely in the outside world.

Because this pseudo-aggression is often mistimed and poorly timed, it can lead to further put-downs and slights and waves of guilty self-blame and feelings of self-pity.

“Why can’t I ever get it right?”

“I need anger management classes”

“I have no self control”

“This always happens to me”

However, abuse and bad feelings are unconsciously sought after because holding the belief that the experiences are “my fault” supports the unconscious need to feel in control.

Typical driving beliefs of moral masochism:

• “I will be loved as long as I submit to the will of others.”

• “If I assert my independence, I will be rejected.”

• “Good people never express negativity.”

Typical self-punishing thoughts

• “I will hurt myself to prevent others from hurting me.”

• “If I feel too much, I’ll explode.”

• “I am inferior and disgusting because of my negative feelings and bad behavior.

Typical provocative behaviors:

• Passive-aggressive heel dragging tasks and responsibilities, interferes with the plans of others and causes frustration and criticism.

• Giving the other what they ask for but with so little grace or such a bad moment that it spoils the gesture.

• Martyr behavior, launched transparently to evoke guilt in others, instead provokes aggression in them (shame-guilt dynamics).

It is difficult to change “unconscious” behavior

Friends, family, and therapists may try to help by pointing out how they continue to deal with the same problems, however, moral masochists who notice that they engage in self-defeating behaviors are often puzzled by how they seem to continue despite your appreciation and good intentions. change.

This is because the unconscious motivations and unrecognized satisfactions that underpin dysfunctional behavior are not understood and therefore cannot be changed.

unrecognized satisfactions

• The desire to maintain control of fate is more important than whether fate is pleasant or unpleasant.

• Secret feelings of pride and superiority in being able to “take it.” they wish creditNo relief Of suffering

fear of gold…

• Moral masochists do not change their provocative behavior and stop incurring punishment because doing so might reveal that the “loving” parent or partner really is. is malignant or abusive and cannot be controlled.

moral masochists in therapy

Moral masochists may have a difficult time staying in therapy. They easily fall into their usual pattern and feel abused and disappointed in their therapists and leave prematurely.

Successful therapy must address at least two of the core satisfactions and fears that underpin moral masochism.

Secret feelings of superiority..

Many moral masochists are deeply committed to self-righteousness and, in order to safeguard their precarious moral superiority, spend a great deal of energy proving that those who treat them unfairly are morally inferior.

• Therapy should help them overcome their reluctance to recognize the ways in which they themselves contribute to the problem.

• Acknowledging their own contribution and working to make amends moves them away from shame/avoidance and closer to guilt/reparation. Overall, a more empowered and genuinely moral position.

Fear of revealing a lack of love or genuine abuse in important relationships.

While in many cases there was genuine abuse and lack of understanding in past relationships, this is not necessarily true in current relationships. The defense of moral masochism may be protecting against something that doesn’t really exist today.

• Since provocative behavior that arouses criticism may be contributing to the problem, the true relational situation in the present can only be assessed if the moral masochist stops his provocative behavior and tests reality.

Moral masochists take on suffering, not because they love suffering but because they feel it makes them more lovable. For the treatment of moral masochism it is essential to work to develop the conviction that they will also be loved when they are happy and prosper.