I often hear from wives who have trouble noticing their husband’s strange or troublesome behavior after his infidelity or affair. A common example of this is defensiveness. Many wives notice that their husband becomes particularly defensive about any questions, comments, or remarks.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “No matter what I say to my husband, I always get a very defensive comment. I don’t always accuse him or even talk about cheating or affair half the time, but I still get the same response.” “It’s like he’s constantly waiting for me to attack or criticize him. I’m not going to deny that I’m angry and disappointed in him. But what are you waiting for? He cheated on me and had an affair. Of course. I’m going to have questions and a few words from him.” I feel like I deserve it. But it’s not like I’m constantly dwelling on it. This doesn’t matter though. No matter what I say, how I say it, or what we’re talking about, I’ll get a defensive response. what is this and what can I do about it I will try to discuss these questions and concerns in the next article.

Reasons why husbands get defensive after being caught cheating or having an affair: As you can imagine, there are many reasons men might feel or act defensive after cheating or having an affair. He probably knows very well that you’re disappointed and angry with him, so the attitude and defensiveness you’re seeing right now is almost a preemptive strike against that. At times you will feel that if he can hit first with the wall that he has built around you, he will not feel his disappointment, pain and anger so deeply.

Another reason you may feel or see yourself defensive is that you feel you need to justify your behavior, even to yourself. So he’s always waiting and ready to tell himself (or you) that he had his reasons for acting the way he did. Sometimes this is a reaction to his feeling of guilt and shame for what he has done, so he tries to counteract this by becoming defensive.

Finally, I sometimes have men tell me that they constantly feel attacked by their wives for the affair. Whether this is true or not, sometimes when men feel attacked they strike back in their own way, and this is often with the defenses they have been rehearsing in their own heads. In short, this is a way for them to feel better about themselves when they know that they have really hurt you and made a serious mistake.

What you can do when your husband is too defensive after he cheats on you or has an affair: First, you have to understand that it’s human nature to want to stand up for yourself when you think you’re being made out as the only bad guy in a situation. That said, I certainly don’t want to imply that you’re at fault anyway because it’s not. Your husband is the one who made the decision to cheat on you. However, if his attitude is hurting or frustrating you even more, maybe it’s time to have an open and honest conversation about it.

This is just an example. The next time you notice that your husband’s defensive behavior is driving a wedge between you or making the situation worse, you might consider saying something like, “I can’t help but notice that your responses and reactions to me are very defensive lately. I understand.” that you may feel like you want to defend yourself or explain yourself. But continuing to be constantly defensive and refusing to open up really doesn’t do us any good or improve our marriage. I can’t help but have questions and be disappointed or angry, but I’ll try to make my comments sound less like personal attacks and more like legitimate concerns too defensive for both of us to back off and start over, because we’re both going to have to work together and tear down our defenses, accusations and hurtful actions if we can save our marriage and move forward. And believe it or not, that’s really what I want to do. I want us to heal and move on, but To do this, I need to be able to understand what caused this, how you feel right now, and what you can do to prevent this from happening in the future. In that sense, I need you to be open and honest with me instead of being defensive. So can we agree to approach this differently from now on?”

You see I tried to keep things positive and direct? It is important to emphasize what you really want. Because if both of you can focus on saving the marriage and moving on, hopefully you can divert attention from the negative things that are going on, like defensiveness and accusations.