I am confident in saying that in most situations, people perceive the faithful spouse as the victim, at least whenever there is cheating in the marriage. It is true that there will always be that minority of people who think that the wife must not have been loving or sexy enough to keep her man happy. But I think most people don’t really have these thoughts. Most people realize that the cheating spouse is the guilty spouse. Because most people realize that even in struggling marriages, cheating is a conscious choice. And it’s the wrong choice.

This is why it can be so disconcerting when the cheating spouse tries to act like the victim. This is often an attempt to elicit pity. Or it is done in the hope that it will make the faithful spouse a little more understanding. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating.

A wife might say, “My husband seemed so sorry the day I caught him cheating on me. He was crying and crying and begging me not to leave him. Well, two days later, that all changed. Now he’s muttering lines like, ‘I’m tired of you women manipulate me Women do what they want with a man and then when things go wrong it is the man who is to blame. The other woman flirted with me and told me that she didn’t want anything lasting, but of course she did. Then when I tried to break up with her she became clingy and practically blackmailed me. And then when you found out about the affair, you acted like we were in a relationship. wonderful marriage that was above reproach. You acted all surprised and like you gave me everything I needed when you knew you didn’t. But still, I’m still the bad guy anyway.’ “It’s almost like he thinks he’s the one who got the brunt of the deal, like he’s the victim. Honestly, it makes me sick. How can I make him see that he’s certainly not the victim?”

Understand how you really feel: I’m not sure if your husband really believes that he is the victim. Men caught cheating often have a couple of days where they feel sorry for themselves (for getting caught) and wallow in self-pity. Quite often, they have an affair at a time when they are already struggling. They may not realize that they had the affair hoping to feel better about themselves, but this is often the reality. So when everything goes wrong and they end up feeling worse about themselves, they can feel a great sense of loss and disappointment. This is real, in my opinion. They are not pretending.

So while it may seem a lot like self-pity or playing the victim role, the feelings of disappointment can seem quite real to your husband. She may or may not be looking for sympathy or understanding. But you can decide how you are going to receive this behavior.

Because, frankly, this often comes down to a horrible, unfortunate choice. All of us deal with periods in our lives when we are disappointed and disillusioned. But when this happens, we can think about treating it positively or negatively.

Your husband made the negative decision and this will potentially hurt the people you love. Regardless of why she did this, she must take responsibility for this choice. This is what most people who cheat do not initially understand. He may feel pity or empathy for what she was going through, but her choice makes him feel anger and disappointment that will either outweigh or lessen any pity she may feel.

hWhere you sit is just as important: There is nothing wrong with letting him know that you do not intend to treat him like a victim and that no matter how disappointed he feels, this does not invalidate the decisions he has made.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to spell it. If he knows where he stands, he may realize that taking the path he’s on won’t do him any good. You could try: “What I’m hearing is that you seem to perceive yourself as the victim of all of this. But what you don’t seem to appreciate is that, regardless of the circumstances, you made the decision to betray me, to betray me.” break our wedding vows and then lie about it. And you have to take responsibility for that. I realize that I will have to take responsibility for what may have been missing in my part of the marriage. Eventually I’ll be ready to look honestly, but I hope you’re ready to see the choices you made voluntarily. our marriage, I expect you to take responsibility for your decisions and actions and I will do the same.”

Many men eventually give up their victimization strategy. They come to see that it’s not working anyway. And they also come to realize that it may not matter that much. The past is just that. And now we have to deal with the future. A person may have his reasons for the choices he has made. But ultimately, he must live with them. And tomorrow is what matters. Debating who the victim is is not very productive. What is productive is moving on from here.