OCTOBER 30, 2014. That is the date of birth of our deceased son. We never got to meet him alive.
Nathanael Marcus was pregnant at term, but had two major challenges: a congenital diaphragmatic hernia that profoundly compromised lung capacity, and he had Pallister-Killian syndrome. The second half of my wife’s pregnancy was not just a week-by-week proposition, it was also marked by eight amnioreduction procedures to relieve excess amniotic fluid production during pregnancy. The journey to Nathanael’s birth was the culmination of months of pain.
It is almost as if her stillbirth is a marker of a journey that we, as a couple and as a family of six, began. Until Nathanael actually died we couldn’t start the journey. He had not yet gone to be with God.
The destination of the journey is obvious: what we seek is a heavenly reconciliation.
So, we have embarked on this trip that we did not want to do. And all of us are bound to make that journey eventually.
Grievance, in many ways, is a lifelong process; we just end at ‘acceptance’ and stay there. Acceptance is still part of the complaint process.
While on this journey we long for the destination, yet there are still too many reasons to enjoy the journey; family is on board and we have things to do and accomplish as the waves crash against the bow of the ship of life as it plunges through the whitecaps. There is a living hope to be enjoyed.
If we count where we are, we haven’t really spent much time beyond the harbor markers on this trip, if we’re going to live to the end of our natural lives. We may not be reunited with our little one for close to fifty years (or more?). The one who is always missed is with God and, although we know that God is here with us, we cannot be with God in the same way that Nathanael is. It is not our time. However, in eternity, where there is no time, our son waits without waiting.
As our ship sails past the channel markers into the open seas of the next year (and years/decades), we hope Nathanael’s memory will become fonder, not more distant. We hope that the hope of seeing him one day will enrich the wonder in our hearts for the resurrected life to come.
The journey is not filled with sadness, although there are appropriate times for such a feeling. However, the journey is packed with emotional and spiritual meaning; as deep as fathoms below. Every mile traveled, every month, every milestone in this life, is followed by the heavenly hosts as witnesses of how life goes on for us, the living. They see what we cannot. One day we may see everything for what it really was.
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We are forever grateful for Nathanael. If we had not had it, heaven would not have touched us due to its transcendence.
We are gifted with the blessing of being on a journey to Nathanael; destiny, ourselves, being with God and being reconciled in heaven.
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We all are. We are all tied up there. We are all destined for death and eternity.
© 2014 SJ Wickham.