I often hear of wives whose husbands are going to leave them. Sometimes, however, there is a different variation on this same theme. I recently heard from a wife whose husband wanted her to be the one to leave the house. They had had marital problems for some time and the husband felt that the wife should be the one to leave, as he had family and friends with whom he could easily stay.

The husband did not want to leave the house that he felt he had paid for for several years and (in his opinion) had the right to stay. So, he felt it was only fair that the wife was the one to leave. Needless to say, this is not what the wife wanted to hear nor was it what she wanted to do. The thought of packing her bags and leaving the house where she had lived and dreamed for years (and the man she had loved for years) was utterly appalling.

She said, in part: “I can’t believe my husband thinks I’m going to leave simply because he wants me to. How is this fair? I have no idea what to do. If I stay, he’s going to do it. of course he doesn’t want me there and that he will eventually leave me. But if I go, it seems like I’m giving up my marriage and that’s definitely not what I want. I don’t want to leave or leave. divorce from my husband, but he seems convinced that This is the path you want to take. What can I or should I do? “

This is a unique and delicate situation because I often tell wives whose husband insists on leaving them (and accepts no alternative) to be the ones to leave. This is not ideal, of course, but often there really is no alternative and at least if you are the one, you have more control. You may be the one to go home instead of trying to get him home (which increases your chances of saving the marriage).

So when there is no other option, I generally feel that it is better to be the one to leave than to allow him to leave. Still, this situation was not ideal. And I felt like there were a few things to try before the wife gave up and left. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

Try to get as much drama and immediacy out of the situation as you can: At this time, both the husband and wife were full of emotion and reacted very quickly to everything that was happening between them. In situations like these, people tend to make quick decisions and say or do things that they regret or that are impossible to back down.

So I always feel like it’s important to try to bring some calm to this situation so that it gets out of reactive mode and into a mode where you’re being proactive and not just reacting to someone else’s whim, words, or actions. So, as difficult as it was, he wanted the wife to remain calm and deliberate. As it was now, doors were slammed shut, tears were shed, accusations were made, and the couple drifted further and further away from each other with each passing hour and day.

So the next time the husband approached her with something hurtful, he didn’t want the wife to get involved. He wanted her to deflect whatever he was throwing at her and make it clear that their interactions would be different and not go the same way.

She might say something like “yeah, I know that’s how you feel and I know you want me to go because you’ve been telling me this for days. But I’m not going to react like I used to. I need to. I know how you feel and you know how. I feel like myself. I have no idea if we’re going to compromise or not, but I’m not going to fight you and keep hurting our relationship because it’s still important to me. So I’d rather wait and discuss this when we’re both calm and we’re not going to hurt each other or the relationship. Can we agree when we could discuss this again at a later time when we’ve both calmed down? down? “

This is an attempt to slow things down and create an environment that is more conducive to getting things done. I strongly felt that the longer the wife continued arguing or arguing, the more chance there was that one of them would eventually leave the house. But if you can interrupt the sense of urgency and drama, you will often find that hurtful words and behaviors decrease greatly, so that you could make some progress and hopefully not have to leave in the first place.

That being said, if you are offered this type of reprieve and you end up staying and not having to leave, you will have to address and improve your marriage so that any issues that lead your husband to want you to leave will not stay so that he will not deal with it again. this in the future.

If your husband doesn’t accept anything less than your departure, then don’t leave things open. Try setting it up so that you can still communicate (and hopefully make things better) on a regular basis: In some cases, even when you are calm and cooperative, your husband will still insist that you leave. When this happens, sometimes it becomes clear that he will not be happy with anything (or will accept) but you go away. However, this doesn’t mean you need to pack your bags, head out the door, and hope for the best. My suggestion is that if you have to compromise (and you shouldn’t unless it is clear that you must) then at least check the terms.

Accept as little time as possible. Suggest going away and staying with friends for the weekend or, if possible, less than a week. Define how often they will be called to register. If possible, schedule some time to meet up during the short separation.

Sometimes being apart for a short period of time can actually make things better because you’re not engaged, everyone calms down, and your husband realizes that he misses you. But the ideal is that the separation is brief and that the communication continues to maintain the positive tone instead of negative.